Come Home

I know I have posted some pretty mean things about BestFriend...... But I am going to spill my true feelings toward her, and where my frustrations come from.

BestFriend has always had more freedom, more nice things, and more attitude than I ever had.  She is ambitious, brave, daring, courageous, and usually pretty determined.  Who wouldn't be jealous of that? Just recently, I saw a picture of her journal, and it was absolutely gorgeous. I know that if and when she comes to visit me, she will show it to me because she is proud of it.  I would be.  But I am bitter, so I was propelled to hide my gay ass diary, which is just words that I don't even care about.

So reason one I fight with her: I am jealous.

She is also so sure of herself. She can be friends with anyone, and I know that. So I get pissed off when she has fun with other people because I am not having any fun.  I just have a hard time pretending that I don't like people.  BestFriend doesn't really even see the bad in people, and if she does, she just ignores it.  Which I am sure she does with me.  We just really need a heart-to-heart.

I feel like she has really changed ever since she started staying with her siblings, even before she moved out.  When we were younger, we contemplated going to parties, but we decided that we could have more fun sober, and that only bad things happened at parties.  Then, when she went to New York and stayed with her brother for a little while, I heard stories of how she got drunk and cuddled with cute guys.  I was obviously jealous... I've never done anything that spontaneous.... but I also felt pretty betrayed. What happened to having fun and remembering it the next day?

Reason two: She changed.

OH JEEZ. Everyone changes. SHUT UP HOPE!!! Yes, I know.  But whatever happened to the girl I used to tell everything to?  She has things to say now, I don't.  And I don't feel like she would care to know about my mediocre life. That's how I feel next to her; mediocre.

I got really excited when she said she was coming home for college. She was moving back into her old house.  So no one can really blame me for thinking OLD BEST FRIEND is coming home!! I even found the cutest best friend necklaces.   Then I realize she changed, and we don't wear our old best friend necklaces anyways, why would this time be any different?  And then I get mad that she isn't who she used to be.

She is a cultured and fascinating woman.  A woman that I have never really met.

Reason four: I don't know her anymore.  We have little in common.

So after she read my previous bitchy posts, she said she read them, and she loved them. I knew I had done something horrible.  I just want my best friend back. That is all I want. So here I am, pathetically trying to do damage control for the millionth time in my life. I do just want to be best friends again. I don't have any friends. Not a one.  Unless I count her, and we don't even talk when she is away.

I miss her. I want to laugh with her again. Just her and I. I miss our little language that we had going on.  I miss categorizing people by how we think they would taste.  I miss her weird decorating skills, and her innate sense of eclectic style.  I want to go on car rides with her..... (you know, she has never seen me drive with my license.... I wonder if she would be proud. She was the one who taught me to drive.) I want to sing with her, and run outside half naked to play in the rain. I miss taking pictures for no reason, I miss her craftiness, I miss how she motivated me.

I just miss Micah.