but they don't wear these shits where I'm from
I'm not hating, I'm just telling you
tryna let you know what the fuck that I been through
I was told today that I am narcissistic and pathetic... awesome.
I am not sure how I come off as narcissistic, but pathetic, maybe. What people say to me hurts me, and I wish that weren't true. I feel like people who don't like me say more truths than those who do, because they are trying to spare my feelers.
I do want to know more about myself from other's perspectives though. It is interesting to me that I was told those things. I had no idea. And I was pretty sure I didn't do anything to antagonize this lovely person. It was just said.
Well ANYWAYSSSSS
I planned some stuff for Scott's birthday. We aren't spending in Idaho anymore, but I figured since he is turning 21 I could have him buy some marsala wine and make him chicken marsala. That is nearly his favorite dish, but he is always down for some beef stroganoff.
I really enjoy that just by reading some shit I can magically create some edible nummies, especially if I have never made that dish before. It makes me feel ever so barely accomplished.
Oh, fun fact. I have finished my first scrapbook. I don't know if I have mentioned that before (or that I even scrapbook at all), but the first one is done. I am pretty proud of it. I would like to say it turned out well. I have started another, and I am probably about 8 pages in already. Scrapbooking is good and bad.... I should not be spending money for anything, but I really want to save these pictures and not just have them on my phone for no one to see. (Sidenote, 80 8x10s cost me only like four dollars. I have this cool FreePrints app that you just pay the shipping, so that isn't so bad.)
No money, no family.
As you can tell, I have Iggy Azalea stuck in my head. I don't know why, but I do like that song, and I am not a big rap fan. Speaking of rap, everyone here seems to listen to it at MIND BOGGLING volumes. My windows shake, and I am like 30 feet from the road. Calm down guise, you won't be able to hear soon!!
Last night there was this wicked thunderstorm. I went outside and stood in the rain until I was completely soaked through my clothes. I just sat there and enjoyed the cold rain. I was pretty cold. The rain was a bit chilly. I felt good, and I also felt like crying.
Scott has finally talked to someone about the Navy, and I guess he is getting things sorted out so that we can just go home. I pray to God that everything goes okay, and that our life will just get better. I want to feel better about something. I want to feel successful and in-charge of my life again. I want to be able to handle the stress of life without even batting a well-coated eyelash.
I like chocolate milk.
OKAY BYE
Thursday, May 29, 2014
Wednesday, May 28, 2014
Clocks on Roller Skates
I seriously am baffled at how fast time is flying. I have now lived in Virginia for about eight whole months, and it feels super weird. It is now summer time, and the pool is open. People are frequenting the beach here, (I still don't know why that is such a big deal. The beach is really boring) and I have been working a little bit. I don't even know how I feel about my life right now. I have moments of "DEAR HOLY MONKS, WILL THIS DAY EVER END?!" and I have moments of "I wish this day could last just a little bit longer." I have honestly tried to stay awake longer just so that tomorrow didn't have to come. Sometimes, when the day is good, I really am scared of tomorrow. When the day is bad, I envision tomorrow being thousands upon thousands of times better, but it usually just turns out that it goes by too quickly and we can't fit everything in one day.
I just really don't want to live here anymore. I can't express that enough. I know I have said it way too many times, but I really do mean it. I just want to go home. Who would have thought that I would be saying that. If you had told me 2 years ago that I would be living by the beach on the East Coast, I would have just laughed it off and said "yeah right...". Everyone in Idaho has these romantic ideas about the ocean because we really don't see it that often, but I could surely just never see it again. I am always afraid I will never get to come home. I just don't have the money for it, and the whole family reunion thing that was supposed to go on in a couple weeks is not happening now. I was too excited for that. I guess I did it to myself. Did I actually think I was going to get a free trip to Idaho? Haha.
Scott did get a promotion, but lucky for us, some bills that had the wrong address are now finding their way back to us, which is about $200. My sweet husband has also been really fond of using the credit card lately, which scares me to no end. that is about $200 as well. Hopefully everything will turn out okay. I may have to use my saved up money from working this month, which really sucks, but I will be working a three day weekend this week, so hopefully I can amass a tiny little pile of money to keep in the nest egg. I know that isn't very much, but what can I do.
I miss having friends and people to just talk to. I took that for granted in Idaho. I took my job, my college, and my family all for granted. I am thinking that this may be a lesson God is trying to teach me. I should have been more grateful. I definitely try really hard not to take Scott for granted. We spend every waking minute (and sleeping minute, for that matter) together. We shop together, I go with him to get his hair cut, and we even go together to get gas.
A few days ago (which was Memorial Day) I spent most of the day at work with him, standing in his shoes, and learning what it is like for him while he is cranking (which is working with the cooks, everyone has to do it at some point it turns out). It is awful. I felt what I can only imagine it is like to be in prison. Everyone is out to get you, no one is friendly and they all fend for themselves, some dudes like to think about women getting beat on for sexual pleasure, the women are all burly or just plain assholes, and everyone stares. You are told what to do every single second, and not even in a semi-nice way. I don't know who in the hell would ever choose to do something like that. I feel like you would really have to be desperate for money to ever go into the armed forces, especially if you have a family that wants you around. I feel like these men and women don't think they have a chance in going to college and doing something they actually want to do. Scott wants to become an aeronautical engineer, and why shouldn't he? His grandfather worked at NASA, and his dad designed planes, and it really interests him. I hope that he follows his dreams, and he doesn't let anyone crush them. I know that he is smart, and has way more potential than to be yelled at constantly and carting dishes around a 20 year old tin can for ungrateful, rude, selfish individuals. I now know where he is coming from when he says he had a bad day at work. Anyone with any kind of authority can just screw you over completely, with basically no checks. They decide what you do and what you wear and how you speak and even how you stand. I know that is part of being in the military, but WHY WOULD ANYONE WANT THAT???? I know that Scott's recruiter lied to him, and he lied to me. He told Scott he would never be deployed, that he could be stationed in Washington, that everything would be okay. I guess that is their job, because if they told the truth, nobody would want to do it unless they had no self esteem.
I guess that is all for my crazy military hating rant. I know that the previous paragraph will offend jillions, but I am just speaking my mind, from my point of view. I just want this nightmare to be over. I know people are thinking "but someday, you are gonna wish you had that stable income!", but the money we do have (which is nothing pretty much, we break perfectly even) can't buy friends or family or company or someone to talk to. I would be confiding in someone I trust instead of just being another opinionated internet entity, but I don't have anyone to listen, nor anyone to care. "Well why don't you just call your family/friends?" Because they are so far away from my life and I am so far away from theirs. We don't have anything in common anymore and it is just awkward. Even talking to my little sister who I have loved like my own child has gotten really weird. We don't have much to say to each other. I want help. I don't know how to get it though, or from whom. I have taken to talking to strangers, which only lasts for about three days, and they don't give a shit about you, because you are just there to pass the time. They aren't there to invest in friendship, they just want instant gratification, and I will admit I do too. We all just want someone to talk to. Someone who gives a shit about the things that happen to us, so that our lives seem to have some sort of meaning, other than just meandering though this huge abyss of fucking nothing. I sound like a petulant teenager. I am. I am such a stereotype. Whiny little white girl. First world problems. Well, Maslow's Hierarchy of needs comes into mind. I learned about it in Psych 101. I miss college.
okay bye.
I just really don't want to live here anymore. I can't express that enough. I know I have said it way too many times, but I really do mean it. I just want to go home. Who would have thought that I would be saying that. If you had told me 2 years ago that I would be living by the beach on the East Coast, I would have just laughed it off and said "yeah right...". Everyone in Idaho has these romantic ideas about the ocean because we really don't see it that often, but I could surely just never see it again. I am always afraid I will never get to come home. I just don't have the money for it, and the whole family reunion thing that was supposed to go on in a couple weeks is not happening now. I was too excited for that. I guess I did it to myself. Did I actually think I was going to get a free trip to Idaho? Haha.
Scott did get a promotion, but lucky for us, some bills that had the wrong address are now finding their way back to us, which is about $200. My sweet husband has also been really fond of using the credit card lately, which scares me to no end. that is about $200 as well. Hopefully everything will turn out okay. I may have to use my saved up money from working this month, which really sucks, but I will be working a three day weekend this week, so hopefully I can amass a tiny little pile of money to keep in the nest egg. I know that isn't very much, but what can I do.
I miss having friends and people to just talk to. I took that for granted in Idaho. I took my job, my college, and my family all for granted. I am thinking that this may be a lesson God is trying to teach me. I should have been more grateful. I definitely try really hard not to take Scott for granted. We spend every waking minute (and sleeping minute, for that matter) together. We shop together, I go with him to get his hair cut, and we even go together to get gas.
A few days ago (which was Memorial Day) I spent most of the day at work with him, standing in his shoes, and learning what it is like for him while he is cranking (which is working with the cooks, everyone has to do it at some point it turns out). It is awful. I felt what I can only imagine it is like to be in prison. Everyone is out to get you, no one is friendly and they all fend for themselves, some dudes like to think about women getting beat on for sexual pleasure, the women are all burly or just plain assholes, and everyone stares. You are told what to do every single second, and not even in a semi-nice way. I don't know who in the hell would ever choose to do something like that. I feel like you would really have to be desperate for money to ever go into the armed forces, especially if you have a family that wants you around. I feel like these men and women don't think they have a chance in going to college and doing something they actually want to do. Scott wants to become an aeronautical engineer, and why shouldn't he? His grandfather worked at NASA, and his dad designed planes, and it really interests him. I hope that he follows his dreams, and he doesn't let anyone crush them. I know that he is smart, and has way more potential than to be yelled at constantly and carting dishes around a 20 year old tin can for ungrateful, rude, selfish individuals. I now know where he is coming from when he says he had a bad day at work. Anyone with any kind of authority can just screw you over completely, with basically no checks. They decide what you do and what you wear and how you speak and even how you stand. I know that is part of being in the military, but WHY WOULD ANYONE WANT THAT???? I know that Scott's recruiter lied to him, and he lied to me. He told Scott he would never be deployed, that he could be stationed in Washington, that everything would be okay. I guess that is their job, because if they told the truth, nobody would want to do it unless they had no self esteem.
I guess that is all for my crazy military hating rant. I know that the previous paragraph will offend jillions, but I am just speaking my mind, from my point of view. I just want this nightmare to be over. I know people are thinking "but someday, you are gonna wish you had that stable income!", but the money we do have (which is nothing pretty much, we break perfectly even) can't buy friends or family or company or someone to talk to. I would be confiding in someone I trust instead of just being another opinionated internet entity, but I don't have anyone to listen, nor anyone to care. "Well why don't you just call your family/friends?" Because they are so far away from my life and I am so far away from theirs. We don't have anything in common anymore and it is just awkward. Even talking to my little sister who I have loved like my own child has gotten really weird. We don't have much to say to each other. I want help. I don't know how to get it though, or from whom. I have taken to talking to strangers, which only lasts for about three days, and they don't give a shit about you, because you are just there to pass the time. They aren't there to invest in friendship, they just want instant gratification, and I will admit I do too. We all just want someone to talk to. Someone who gives a shit about the things that happen to us, so that our lives seem to have some sort of meaning, other than just meandering though this huge abyss of fucking nothing. I sound like a petulant teenager. I am. I am such a stereotype. Whiny little white girl. First world problems. Well, Maslow's Hierarchy of needs comes into mind. I learned about it in Psych 101. I miss college.
okay bye.
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